52 People

I have formally decided to abbreviate the Crusade for Meaningful Connection. It will now be known as the CMC.

So, the CMC continues, this time I received a letter (and by letter, I mean email) from a reader, letting me know how 52 People has impacted their life and relationships. This one – from a member of a book club in Boston, Mass.

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A friend and I gathered for our monthly bookclub.  Bored with the selection of novels, biographies and self-help books available right now, we decided to “mix-it-up” and read your book ’52 People’.  As the first meeting of the new year, the topic intrigued us – we all value our relationships and the new year is a time of thinking about what is most important to us.

 Before the meeting gathered, the host of the month, sent us an email with the instructions for our meeting: “At first I thought we could each choose one of the ‘strangers’ to talk about. But then I thought, let’s all answer the questions together as a group…in celebration of getting to know each other better.” We wholeheartedly supported the idea!

 It’s interesting, being fairly new to this group of brilliant, warm and fun-loving women – I was absolutely curious.  I’ve wanted to get to know more about each and everyone of them.  This is perfect!  And then I thought - ooh…that means I have to tell them something that I’m ashamed of?  Gulp. My stomache did a bit of a flip.  And then I recovered by remembering, this is how we grow closer: When you share things that are deeper than the typical, surface, safe “cocktail” conversations, we let people in – see “all” of us (the good, the bad and the ugly)!

There were lots of jokes flying around the room when the ladies all finally arrived – “What are you afraid of?”  “What are you ashamed of?”  Some of us were clearly a bit nervous about asking to reveal something about ourselves that pushed us out of our comfort zones, our usual way of being together. We started with some easier questions, and with all of the stories, questions and laughter, it took us a while to get around the room. 

 Finally, someone dared go there -  It was a dear friend (who introduced me to this amazing group of women). She began sharing a story that clearly, by the tears in her eyes, held some shame. But it was something that ALL – every single one of us – could relate too. I acknowledged her for sharing her story and said that it reminded me that we are all human. 

 This friend, in her presentation, is someone who is always put together.  She’s gorgeous, successful, funny, kind - really she has it all!  I adore this woman, really, and I’ve always been grateful for our friendship.  But that day, I saw her in a new light.  Actually, I felt more love toward her and was overcome with a feeling of gratitude for her friendship.  I realized that I feel closer to her now, than I ever have.  Just through sharing a just little bit more…

 I will confess that I didn’t share my answer to the “what are you ashamed of” question.  Yup, I chickened out.  But here’s the deal – there is always another opportunity to connect.  My friend and I have decided to continue to ask one of the questions during each book club meeting until we get through all 10. 

I think something opened up in some of us…or unleashed a yearning for more meaningful connection that was really already there. It’s always just under the surface and 52 People has opened up the door for us to continue reaching down.

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I’m grateful for those who continue to send me their updates and contribution to the CMC. Your journeys inspire me, so keep them coming! Email me, keep sharing them so you can inspire others through your challenges, growth and connections.

Gratefully yours,

J

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Knocking of the edges

I was at a presentation in downtown Calgary the other day where the speaker presented on  the profession of coaching. During the presentation, the facilitator showed a video of her father standing on the beach. He picked up a smooth round stone off of the sand and began to tell a story that went something like this…

“This stone has been here for millions of years. It used to be a jagged piece of stone but over time the waves have washed over top of it, knocked it into other stones and worn down the edges. This is a lot like like and the relationships we have with others. I’ve been on this planet for around sixty years and each person I connect with in life knocks of some of the edges off me. I’ll be doing this for the rest of my life in hopes I become somewhat polished like this little stone.”

His explanation was brilliant. We are all born jagged rocks that will, unless with constant meaningful contact with others, remain jagged for most of our lives. When we open up to the opportunities that lie in being tossed into one another through the waves of life, we begin to lose the edginess in ourselves and develop our awareness. Hiding from the waves is exhausting and ultimately futile. Making a bit of a mess through colliding with others, we gain experience and wisdom. By letting the next wave send us hurling forward, we take the next step of knowing ourselves and those around us a little bit better.

Thank you for sharing that video Kerry!

Crusade for Connection volume 1

I’ve been extremely grateful to receive emails from those who have read the blog/book to share with me the inspiring connections and realizations they have experienced as a result of 52 People.

Over the next few weeks, or however long these messages keep coming in (hopefully a long-long time , I will be sharing the experiences with you. I’d also love to hear about your experiences so the Crusade for Meaningful Connection can continue with your help.

Yours in Connection,

Jayson (email me)

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Dear Jayson,

I still remember the day you called to tell me that my friend and your best friend Dallas had passed away. I was working out of town and was not going to be able to make it to his funeral. At the time I was sad at his passing and disappointed in myself that I hadn’t spent more time with him before his death. What neither of us realized was the chain of events his passing would spark off. Where Dallas’ passing inspired you to start 52 people, it was 52 people that inspired me to weed out the “strangers” in my own life.

This is why I wanted to share with you the story I’ve included below. When I thought about the biggest “strangers” in my life, I thought about my Grandparents. Not only did they live in some of the hardest times, but also the most interesting ones of the last one hundred plus years, and as their generation is apt to do, they don’t often share their experiences.

For his 89^th birthday I took my Grandfather out for pannekoeks (Dutch Pancakes). I intentionally kept our group very small (I only invited my sister) in the hopes that I could find out more about whom exactly this man I’d known my whole life, really was.

This is the incredible story I found out about my Grandfathers life…

On May 15^th, 1940 at just 19 years old my grandfather woke up early to sneak back to the Dutch Army encampment from a nearby farmhouse where he and a few fellow medics had managed to find more comfortable lodging. Unlike other mornings however, they weren’t able to sneak back into camp just before breakfast and continue with their day. Instead they ran into a couple of jeeps full officers hurriedly heading in the opposite direction. One jeep stopped only long enough to let them know that the Netherlands had surrendered to the Germans, the army had been disbanded and that if they could find their way to the coast of France, there would be transport for them to England where they could regroup and be redeployed.

So he started walking, and didn’t stop for over two months. With no more than the clothes on his back and the few supplies in his pack, he walked through the Netherlands, Belgium and eventually made his way to the coast of France. He begged and stole eggs and vegetables from one farm and would walk a few miles down the road to get another farm to cook them for him. He had to wash his clothes and bathe in the rivers along the way and every night he had to find somewhere warm and dry to make camp.

As my Grandfather sat there sharing his story he would periodically stop, eyes glazing over with the memories of 70 years earlier before he would continue. One of the points he belaboured the most was the fact that as he and his friends walked towards their goal, they never knew who they could trust. As was the law in the Netherlands, prisons were emptied and prisoners repatriated after the surrender to Germany.

All his life my Grandfather had lived in a small village. At the age of 12 he lived with the community baker as an apprentice. He knew everyone and had never had cause to mistrust any of his neighbours. Now they had to sleep with one eye open, never knowing if those around them were friendly locals or mass murderers.

My Grandfather and his fellow soldiers eventually made it to the coast of France where they were put on a ship and given 2 packages of cigarettes, a cup of tea, a sandwich and some rum. Despite his safe arrival, the physical and mental strain of this journey is one my Grandfather has never forgotten.

After spending several months in England where he met his future wife, he spent the next 4 years in the Dutch West Indies. On his way home, he received leave in New York while awaiting a different ship from the Netherlands to come and take him back to England. He was put up in a hotel in Times Square and given a wool Canadian Forces uniform -it was the warmest they had.  Being the middle of January and having nothing more than t-shirts and shorts of his own, it was a welcome addition to his wardrobe. This is the uniform that he wore for his wedding (being the nicest uniform he had ever owned) and also planted the seed for his eventually immigration to Canada in the early 1960’s.

Unfortunately our time ran out and our meals grew cold as we chatted for almost 3 hours in the pannekoek haus. While we have not talked so openly about his past since then, we have definitely become closer and I feel like I’ve gained tremendous insight into who my Grandfather really is. Now at the age of 91 I realize just how precious this gift really is and I will always be thankful to you for 52 people and the challenge to improve my life through connection with the “strangers” in my life.

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Turn your head, don’t dare to look. If you knew how these things were made, you would shake your head in disbelief and would run far, far way.

Otto Von Bismark said, “there are two things you don’t want to see being made; sausage and legislation.”

Both of those processes are tedious and stomach churning processes. Did I mention messy? Although Chancellor Bismark was probably right by advising us to steer clear of watching these nauseating processes, but I think he missed one. Along with avoiding sausage and legislation, the other thing you do not want to see being made is… greatness.

We love seeing greatness while greatness is happening. The game winning score, that passionate speech, the enchanting novel, but the process of making greatness takes much longer, is far more messy and is unbearably tedious. Greatness is a process of tearing and repairing, falling and getting back up, doing what others are unwilling to do; all of this with an unwavering commitment for something better.

Gladwell’s 10,000 hours

Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hour rule has become common vernacular when it comes to mastery. The result? People design their lives to ensure they log the hours so they can reach that crucial milestone… but there’s more. It’s more than simply logging time, it is the quality of that time that matters most. What are you doing with that time? Are you doing what you’ve always done, or are you stretching yourself beyond your capacity? Are you sticking with your habitual routines, or are you deviating from safety to explore new ways. When it comes to 10,000 hours, it’s the quality of time put forth that determines the quality of skill you are producing.

Greatness and relationships

How does this relate to relationships? This can be the most accessible mess in our lives. We are surrounded by, avoid, desire, succeed and screw up relationships all the time. How does one achieve an equivalent level of ‘greatness’ in the relationships in their lives? The same as one would develop into a great hockey player, artist or pianist: practice.

How much time do we really devote to the development of our relationships? If there is one area in our lives where we constantly hit auto-pilot it is our relationships. Our relationships with significant others, family and friends can easily default to a stagnant place of avoiding confrontation and therefore avoiding growth. It doesn’t take long to lose the place of honey-moonish curiosity, puppy dog playfulness and an explorer’s way of adventure. We become comfortable. We stop asking questions and start making assumptions. Instead of engaging, we eventually become disengaged and seek to avoid instead of explore. People begin letting us down as they slowly descend from the pedestal we put them on.

Mastering relationships is messy, uncomfortable, it takes curiosity and an unwavering commitment to learn and get better. It takes tearing and repairing, the willingness to open up and stretch beyond your capacity. It’s painful at times.

Deviate from your normal routines and take the lead to create deeper, more meaningful relationships in your life. Enhance the quality of your relationships and take the path of mastering real connection.

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52 People is now available in paperback! Join the crusade and ‘get real’ with the people in your life by ordering a copy now through AMAZON

After a long process of writing and re-writing, editing and more editing. We are pleased to announce the release of the revised and expanded 52 People book.

Be one of the first to read the new and expanded version. Here are what others are saying about it:

“Jayson Krause’s 52 People is an inspired and truly authentic piece of work. The stories are beautifully told and will touch your heart. This book will move you to examine your own relationships in a new and hopeful light. In a world of “high tech”, this unique and timely project offers a “high touch” experience.”

- David Irvine,
Author of ‘Becoming Real: Journey To Authenticity’ and ‘Simple Living In A Complex World’

“This book is powerful. 52 People gives amazing insight into the human psyche and calls us all forth to pay attention to those in our lives and to connect with life itself.”

- Loren Scott,
Silicon Valley Executive

“52 People is a thoughtful and eye-opening look at the nature of our relationships. It examines long-held social myths and unveils comforting truths about the world around us. Well-crafted and moving, this book will inspire you to ‘get real’ with those closest to you.”

- Alec Harrison,
Emmy nominated Composer

Get it now for your kindle or E-reader by clicking HERE.

Coming Soon you will have 52 People in paper back.  This will make an excellent Christmas present for your family, friends and co-workers. If you’d like to be notified when the paper backs are available, I recommend you sign up for our email list on our homepage in the bottom right corner.

I was the best man at his wedding and gave the eulogy at his funeral. Experiencing the stinging pain of his death, I realized, that after spending over fifteen years together, my best friend died a stranger to me.
We are living with strangers.

I’m going to preface this by letting you know that I am not always a star gazing, hand holding love monster that always wants you to tell me about your dreams. I will talk about NFL or college football when ever given the chance. I will gather with friends every Sunday during football season and do nothing but sit, watch, eat and cheer as some of the strongest and fastest men in the world engage in gladiator like battle. There is nothing I want more than to do this, and any attempt to hold a conversation with me would be useless during this time. There are times and situations when small talk, or no talk, serves a purpose. Where the problem arises is when we rely on small talk to be the foundation of our relationships; it is a sneaky disease that we can take to the grave.

Aren’t you tired of boring, empty relationships? Scripted conversations on: the weather, sports, the economy, housing market, television, or anything else that fills space, are the feeble foundations on which our relationships are standing on. I don’t want to know what they do or what they know, but who they are and how they experience life. This is real.

Our time on this planet can end at any moment, the same as the person next to you and all those living under the same roof as you. We know this, yet we let our relationships slip through our fingers and allow ourselves to live with people we don’t REALLY know. We will grieve hard when people die, and the regret will burn deep inside. You can continue on this path, or you can change. There is something you can do right now to create more meaningful connection in your life. Get real with the people closest to you!

Approach someone to tell them how important they are to you, or to ask them about their illness, or what they’re greatest fear is; this opens the door to developing something with meaning. Talking about your truth and exposing your vulnerabilities are the ingredients for greatness in relationship. It does take trust, but that is built quickly through action. You may get hurt at some point in the process, but I’m certain you will recover and begin again. This is life. I will take the pain of rejection any day than carrying the regret of an unfulfilled relationship.

Relationships are EVERYTHING. They create meaning to otherwise dull moments, they make great experiences even greater and when you look back on your life you will remember the people you touched and those who touched you. You will relish those experiences of the exponential product that arises when two people lean into one another. This is life.

The depth of your life will be measured by the depth of your relationships. 
From the moment we are born we have a gift we all possess in equal sums. The gift to reach out and connect with ANYBODY. The richness of life awaits you. Connect with complete strangers, connect with acquaintances, but most importantly connect with the strangers that are closest to you.

The end of my best friends life was the beginning of great learning and the birth of a great movement. Now a great shift begins… It’s growth depends greatly on you… STOP LIVING WITH STRANGERS!

52 People’s – Crusade for Meaningful Connection
… things must change.

WHY JOIN THE CRUSADE?
We live in a society steeped in regret for lost relationship and a society experiencing the greatest famine never noticed. We are starving for more intimacy, more realness to our relationships. We have become a lonely people. Communities and tribes have broken off into a world of isolation. Now is the time to change it and you are the people to do it.

What I’ve taken from my year long experiment is that people are dying for connection, real connection, meaningful connection. What they need is for someone to take the lead.
It doesn’t matter where you are now with your relationships, how deep or surface based they are, what else can you do to make them better?

I have spoken with people who say, “This far into my relationships, things won’t change” or “I’ve been with this person my whole life, why would I try and change my relationship now?”.
My response… Why would you not? Everything is either growing or dying… do not let your relationships die. It is never too late. ‘The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago, the second best time is now.’ – African Proverb

The people in your life need YOU to take the lead by asking questions to expose the deep well of possibility that lies just beneath the surface. This crusade will help you learn how, and will be a collective resource for all situations – and create more meaningful relationships that create fulfillment within you. AND YOU are the person who can change it. YOU are just the person to take the lead, to take the first step towards creating something real and incredible with the people around you.
The time to act is now.

*I need your help. I believe we are all experts on relationship and I want to learn from your experiences. We are creating an army, a pool of resources that we can access to gain information or inspiration when it comes to deepening the relationships in our lives. We are creating an army that will inspire a movement of meaning.
We are running out of time. We are all dying. The people around us; our family, our friends, strangers… everyone. Our time on earth can end at any time, so we can’t afford to wait. We steep in regret when our loved ones pass away and we realize we never really knew them. We create an illusion that we will someday ask them the important questions, or have the meaningful conversations… but we run out of time. Stop waiting and take the lead.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead.

HOW TO CONTRIBUTE?

”A person’s success in life can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations and experiences she is willing to have.” Timothy Ferriss

The first thing you can do is write down all of the relationships in which you want more meaningful connection. Keep in mind, every relationship can expand.
Second: I challenge you to TAKE THE LEAD and create more meaningful connection with the people on your list. (An easy way to approach them is to say, “I stumbled across this interesting blog about this guy…”. Go from there and introduce the ten questions.)
Third: Write up your experience/s and email them to me at jayson@drivenbypassion.com and I’ll post them. Or, register for the blog and click on the title above the latest post and write your experiences or thoughts on the comment section.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…
Enroll your friends and family to join! Let’s create an army of people taking the lead in creating more meaning in their relationships. The more conscious we become about our relationships, the greater depth our lives will have. Once we start breaking down the walls of assumptions and stop living on the surface, we step into a life of more meaning and fulfillment. This will transform the world around you.
Having deep, meaningful relationships adds exponential value to your life. To experience being fully present with the people around you is a precious gift that is worth fighting for.
GO forth and take the lead! Stop living with strangers and create more meaningful connection in your lives and watch the transformation take place in the world.

This Crusade is the beginning of something great. Great change can take place in our relationships; damage can be repaired, strong foundations can replace the shattered ones, good can become great and truth can be restored. Make the most of the time you have with the people around you, stop living with strangers, get real with the people around you and take the lead in creating meaningful relationships.

The Invitation- by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets
are 
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

You may have no idea you are carrying a virus.

Choice has been a target of philosophy from the ancient times to current day discussion. So what is the deal with choice? In my opinion, with the super hero concept I coach others with, the most powerful place of we can ever be in is the place of clear choice. However, in order to make great choices we need great information and the reality is that we often fall into habits of making choices based on thoughtless viruses.

Viruses? Yes, they are everywhere and you are a carrier!
Richard Brodie authored the book “Virus of the Mind”. In his work he discusses the the science of memetics. Like viruses in the body, a meme spreads cultural influence in the same way. Memes essentially work like your everyday virus. They infiltrate, duplicate and spread.

A perfect example is the virus that is sweeping across the Middle East and Northern Africa. It started by carriers and spread rapidly into action. This is an extreme and effective example, however there are other viruses that are spread in more subtle ways.

For example, we spread viruses everyday of all different types.

“You don’t have a chance to do that because people who succeed at that are… fill in the blank”.

“Everybody gets divorced in this day and age”.

“It’s hard to get a job in this economy”.

There are billions and billions of memes being spread at every single moment. We all pick them up and we all spread them. These memes settle in and help establish the beliefs we operate off of and often determine the actions that follow.

This is where choice comes in. As self confessed individuals who carry multitudes of viruses, both good and bad, helpful and harmful. We rarely stop and ask ourselves if this is something worth spreading, or something that increases the value of my life. Like mindless sheep, we often walk the same line as the one in front of us. Virus comes in, we become hospitable partners and we ship them on to our friends, families and co-workers without really considering whether or not we actually believe them.

To consciously choose we must stop and ask ourselves if we believe. When we spread information blindly, we spread viruses that influence the people around us in many different ways yielding varying results. When we operate from conscious choice we also have the ability to actively spread viruses that transform nations, for better or worse.

Hitler consciously spread viruses of hatred and evil. Martin Luther King Jr. consciously spread viruses of hope and equality.

As a carrier or millions of viruses, which ones will you choose to spread?

We are going to stick with the discussion of how our beliefs create the structure for which we live our lives. At first I said the key book we would look at would be the Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, but I changed my mind. The book I’m going to introduce and recommend like crazy is Carol Dweck’s ‘Mindset’.

Dweck is a social psychologist who is a faculty member at Stanford. Through her studies she has developed the teachings around what she calls a ‘fixed and a ‘growth’ mindset. While I recommend you read the book in it’s entirety, here is the gist of it;

We tend to operate off of two mindsets, fixed or growth. 99% of society is raised and taught through repetition what is the ‘fixed mindset’. This mindset is best explained as ‘You Either Are or You Aren’t’. For example, little Johnny comes home from school with a A+ on his test. Mom says, Oh little Johnny you are so smart. Johnny quickly calculates in his head that an A+ on his test = Johnny being smart. Therefore Johnny thinks that anytime he gets an A+ he is smart and fears the time he doesn’t because then he will be stupid… Are you with me?

The second Mindset is the growth mindset. This is best explained as ‘What you do now will determine where you go from here’. For example, little Johnny comes home with an A+ and Mom says, “Little Johnny, you must have worked really hard to get that A+.” Regardless of whether or not he did, he figures out that hard work equals getting good grades and it is not simply something you are or aren’t. As Dweck writes, this gives children a variable they can control rather than being a victim to their circumstances.

So why am I writing this?

Because what we believe has an incredible impact in how we operate. As a young child and a national team athlete I experienced the highs and lows of success and failure. With the same fixed mindset as most of society my confidence went through peaks and valleys every time I was a ‘great athlete’ or a ‘complete failure’.

What we Believe we, and what we are capable of, has a huge impact in how we express ourselves. If we believe that we can work and achieve anything, than we invariably will experience growth and mastery in some form as we are deliberate in the process of what we are engaged in. If we constantly question whether or not we have it than we live in the past misery or future projections, and many times as Dweck indicates, decide not to compete at all rather than face the social and self criticism of being a failure and destined for a life of inadequacy.

If we don’t believe we have control over who we are becoming and let our failures determine our worth… than we life the life the little engine that couldn’t because it didn’t HAVE it.

Don't believe in anything

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
Buddha

belief |biˈlēf|
noun
1 an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists : his belief in God | a belief that solitude nourishes creativity.
• something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction : c.ontrary to popular belief, Aramaic is a living language | we’re prepared to fight for our beliefs.
See note at opinion .
• a religious conviction : Christian beliefs | I’m afraid to say belief has gone | local beliefs and customs.
2 ( belief in) trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something : a belief in democratic politics | I’ve still got belief in myself.

Everything we do cascades down from our system of beliefs. Our actions and motives are driven by our beliefs, the result of everything we have done in our lives are an expression of our beliefs. The second step in A-Z is a big one.

Over the next two weeks I will put a microscope on my life and begin to examine my actions, then determine what beliefs I hold that drive those actions. I’ll take a look back and analyze my life up until this point and determine the beliefs that have taken me to where I am now.

I’ll introduce another book “The biology of belief” by Bruce Lipton, and I’ll discuss some of his writings and dive into the big questions and answers around the beliefs we hold and the importance they have in creating our lives.

The bottom line. Don’t believe in anything… it opens up the opportunity to be curious…

What is Real?

“What is real?… Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you… It doesn’t happen all at once… You become… It takes a long time…”
Margary Williams, The Velveteen rabbit

It has been a perfect few weeks to explore authenticity as it has been a challenging period. Normally in such challenging periods I would have pushed everything aside and adopted the aforementioned ‘Fake it til’ you make it’ philosophy. During tough times I’d turn on the shiny exterior and pretend that everything was great and that if I just kept pretending that things would eventually change. The result… exhausting.

Over the last few weeks I have experienced challenges with my work, my marriage, my child, finances, my future and overall existential being. There were still times that I lied to myself and others when asked the omnipresent question of “How is it going”, but for the most part I tackled authenticity head on and let myself be free.

Here’s what I’ve found out about authenticity over the last few weeks (some of it courtesy of David Irvine’s book ‘Becoming Real’:

Authenticity is about opening to the experience of who you really are and courageously bringing that realness into the world.
We often neglect our true feelings and focus on how we should be. This is exhausting and unnecessary. Who are we doing it for? The fleeting approval of others or ourselves?

More than being taught, the journey to authenticity probably will best be caught. Letting go of the need for prestige or approval from others will bring you freedom.
See above.

To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day to make you just like everybody else, means to fight the greatest battle there is to fight and never stop fighting. ee cummings
It is a tremendous battle we are all up against… to be ourselves. When we dip our toes into the cold, uncertain waters of authenticity we realize that when we choose to fight, what we are fighting for is ultimately freedom.

Authenticity means living according to your values and virtues and purpose and expressing your unique gifts in the service of others.
What this all means in the context of authenticity is… if you don’t know your values, virtues and purpose, your screwed.

The paradox of looking back and measuring our authenticity, we can often say how inauthentic we were, but the reality is we were probably as authentic as our consciousness would allow at the time.
We will have moments of authentic behavior, inauthentic behavior and sometimes that inauthentic behavior will be authentic. The importance is to develop the ability to continually ask yourself the questions that drive authenticity (based on your values, virtues and purpose).

You aren’t what you do, because when you don’t, then you aren’t.
We often think that we are what we do. A doctor, a lawyer, a homeless person, a student. This has nothing to do with authenticity. When we strip away the labels and are left with our feelings, essence, passions and energy. That is who we are.

Authenticity is freedom
To be inauthentic is to be in the chains. I have often made up in my mind that I’m less important if I’m not living up to my standards and those standards I think people have of me. What I found out over the last two weeks when I articulated my truth to people around me is that they too opened up. It was an invitation to be real. The freedom came through realizing that my struggles are not individual, but those that are experienced by most others. The freedom came through realizing that when I let them go I am no longer carrying the burden of trying to be something else. What is here is real.

The end of the first part of authenticity is definitely just the beginning.

I’ll leave you with some ALI’s (Authentic living indicators)

PURPOSE
Did I act according to my purpose today?
What was my greatest expression?
Where didn’t I act congruent with my purpose?
What do I need to change?

VALUES
Did I act according to my values today?
What was my greatest expression of these values?
Where was I incongruent with my values?
What do I need to change?

This is a simple and effective way to measure your authenticity…